It's hard not too

As Christmas approaches its hard not to be caught up in the merriment. I have to say these days I feel like I'm two different people- the one who carrys on who does her best to appear as a normal mum, the one that's done the shopping is planning the meals, the one that's done the wrapping and the card making, supervised letters to Santa, removed the bra from Jess's list in said letter to Santa and is in some way looking forward to seeing the kids faces on Christmas Day, celebrating Rhys' first Christmas. But then of corse there's the other, the one that misses her daughter so much, I should have been watching her first nursery nativity. I wonder if she would have done as her sister did whilst playing the angel and wiping a bogey on the head of the donkey I wonder if she would have refused to put her penny in the old mans hat or got into a pushing fight over who was first to go on stage. It should have been me sat there last week watching her. That's how I feel my life is though split between what I have and what I don't and having those two different existences almost I think is the only way I can do it at the moment because everytime I begin to see the two merge I'm reminded of the time that Jess said 'don't worry mum I'm still here' and she is and if she's excited about Christmas then she deserves for me to at least pretend that I am.

Whilst watching some rubbish (he loves it I think it's rubbish) on tv last night of the moon my husband suddenly said 'its hard isn't it? Missing her all the time' and I think that's the first time since she died and since the immediate aftermath that he's actually verbally acknowledged that he misses her. And now I have heard him say those words I don't feel so alone in this, I know he's not a big emotional talker but to actually know that he still misses her that he finds it hard too gives me some kind of comfort.

In other news and which may have prompted the conversation Rhys has been poorly, he started with just a wheeze which turned into a cough which has turned into broncolitis (I cannot spell) he ended up in hospital on a nebuliser yesterday and they have changed his inhaler to something else. They are pretty sure also that he has asthma so I have to see the GP about that. He's fine apart from the fact the last few nights he hasn't slept, but when I got the call yesterday from my mum to say he was going to the hospital all I could think was omg he's going to die which prompted an emotional phonecall to my husband - I'm pretty sure that work think I'm nuts now!

Work is something I'm still struggling with but I'm trying to hold out a but longer - it's bloody hard work though

Christmas post 2

I actually must confess that last year Christmas wasn't too bad. The food was good, it was good to see j happy when she got her new keyboard, the company was good and although it was plainly obvious that b wasn't there despite the horrendous feeling of dread as the day approached it wasn't that bad.
This year though I'm struggling to even get the strength together to get an advent calander

The best friends I have

Are on the Internet. There's the ones I met through a holiday wish list appeal some 5 or so years ago who probably know more about me and what I'm thinking than my husband does. There are the ones that I speak to alot on Facebook who live minutes from me who I rarely actually see and when I do see them it's just a friendly hello and move on. Then there's a select group of people who I have met since B died who may not know that my favourite colour is purple and I am addicted to stationary especially mini stationary, but they at least have some idea of what this is like. My husband thinks I'm a little crazy that I go for weeks and weeks without talking to real in the flesh friends that I reserve contact with them for special occasions and the unexpected moments where I bump into them in the shops because I haven't had a chance to hide. The task my CPN has taken on is to encourage me into situations where I may make a new in the flesh friend - we shall see how that goes!

Feeling a little deflated

Funnily though it has nothing to do with B. I decided that I would have a go at making keepsakes of my own using a pattern available online. I didn't want to make bears and bunts and memory quilts I just wanted to make ducks. I was quite excited about it, and didn't think it would be stepping on anyone's shoes really as although other people make the ducks no one else makes them exclusively and the women in the local area who I was going to make them for doesn't make them - at least she didn't until she announced today that she was going too. Now I'm not sure what to do, do I just give up on the idea? Or do I go ahead with it anyway it may not even go anywhere and really what's life without competition- I really don't know

Sorry 2 updates 1 day

If I just splurged and said exactly what's on my mind right this minute it would be this - I want off the life train, I've had enough, I can't do it, I'm done with being a grown up a mother a wife I want off I want out I want done. How come yesterday was so fine yet today feels so desperate, so done so final?? How do you put one foot in front of the other when all you want to do is be swallowed up by it? Is tomorrow going to be a stronger day will it even come at all?

What goes up comes down

The last few weeks I have felt like some big fat fraud, Ive actually been on quite a high and coping really well.  I was kinda tapping myself on the back for taking this massive leap forward in this whole process.  I got a job, I decided to start my own keepsake business, my house was tidy and clean, I passed my exams and put in for my final two - all was going so well.

Today though I feel s massively deflated and so far down that if it wasn't for the fact I had to get up to feed R I dont think i would have bothered.  I just miss my girl crazy amounts today

This picture

An hour after this photo was taken the cascading events of that day that left me without my girl were about to unfold - the kids were having lunch and i was just watching the water thinking what a great time we were having wondering if the go karts would ever arrive.

If I could go back in time this is the point where I would return. To the point in time just before the world changed.

Ok so I guess the biggest news since my last post is I got the job! I actually got both jobs the making one and the admin one but I've chosen to only accept the admin one. The things I make, the sewing I do I want to do because I enjoy it not because I'm trying to meet deadlines

One of the questions that was asked was what does a job mean to you? I guess for me a job means moving forward. It means doing more than just siting in this house and the whole world just going on without me. Don't get me wrong sometimes, many times I still have many days when all I want is my girl and all I want to do is miss her. But, I just feel at this point it's what I need to do.

Just though when you think your doing ok something blind sides you. For me it was my father in law. It was his birthday the other day and he was having a dessert party. When we went there was an older man there who I have never seen before. Anyway it turned out that this man who in 10 years of knowing my husband I have never met is one of my FIL brothers. (He's youngest died last year he has a sister in Oxford and another two in Canada) this man Don lives about an hour away from us.

So yesterday I said to my husband 'why wasn't he at our wedding but more importantly why wasn't he at Bs funeral?' He said that his dad just isn't that close to his brother as there's a 10 year age difference (the same as between j and R and me and my older sister) they get on they just don't see much of each other and apparently he spends the summer abroad which is why he wasn't invited to the wedding. As far as B goes though he said that at he probably didn't know she had even been born he saw no point in telling them she had died?!?! Let me tell you I was furious but I'm not sure what really upset me the most the fact that he didn't tell them she had been born and died which would deny the fact that she even existed to them, or the fact that my FIL hadn't told him either. I just don't get it, but knowing my husband and his family I'm shockingly unsuprised by it

The homework and the conclusion

If your friends with me on facebook you already know half of this story, sorry :) it is still annoying me. Anyway, Jess gets comprehension homework every Monday to be done by the Friday.  As she is sitting her sats next May a lot of this work involves printed sheets with a passage from a story on one side and a few questions on the other.  Jess hates to do homework, but we have got into this routine where she does a question a day and by the Thursday its all done.  Now its taken ages to get into this routine and a lot of nagging but this week she has been reluctant.  Last night after claiming to have spent an hour doing it, I took a look at her progress when she went to bed to find out actually she had done nothing so i took a look and had a read.  The story is based on a brother and sister who go for a walk and the younger sister falls into a pond and nearly drowns, it used sentences like "the water was dark dark drowning" and "she screamed and i could hear the water bubbling in her lungs".  There were pictures as well, and descriptions of panic and screaming and crying.  On the back of the passage were some questions and the last one was "imaging you are in a similar situation, how would you react, how do you think you would feel?" - I kinda flipped my lid a bit baring in mind everything we have been through with the school and school in general I couldn't believe they would be so stupid.  I also couldn't understand why anyway this kind of thing would be given to a 10 year old, and the worst part perhaps is that it is a photocopy from a recommended teacher resource.

Anyway i think Tom had to hold me back from marching straight down the school last night and camping out till this morning so i could tell her stupid teacher what i thought.  I settled for a note not wanting to make a massive scene about it knowing that Jess was upset anyway.  I asked that she be excused from this piece of homework and the lessons next week where they discuss in great detail the homework.  I got a note back saying basically that the teacher hadn't actually even read it before handing it out it had been photocopied and chosen by a teaching assistant,  Jess said that she asked her for the passage so she could read it.  I am currently trying to decided what i do from here.

A girl

I've just listened to a gushy message on my ansaphone from my MIL telling my husband that his cousin has found out she's having a girl and how lovely it is after all these boys to finally get a girl. All these boys? Weird seen as on my husbands side of the family there is him and his brother who has no children and his cousin - so 'all these boys' is actually singular one boy- mine. Of course the last time the news of a little girl joining that side of the family they were all talking about my girl. Apparently after speaking with his mum my husband felt the need to add that his cousin would have much preferred a boy. Why on this occasion could he not just keep his mouth shut

Mind the gap!

Today feels like one of those filler stop gap days where nothing in particular is happening at all. R is asleep on my knee the house is tidy I've been up to the woodland burial ground to change the flowers, and driven down to the school to give J the piano book she forgot. Everything feels calm and normal but the rest of the week will be chaotic! On Wednesday I have to meet a lady for a job, it's a work from home job making forget me not teddys out of old baby clothes. Which for me just seems ironic, though I'm not entirely sure why. On Thursday I have a job interview and Friday I've got to sit an exam in Eastleigh. I've got so much to do, revision, sorting stuff out for the interview and general other stuff but I can't find any motivation to do it. Not only that I already can't sleep because I'm so stressed out that I will actually have to leave the comfort and security of my home and speak to people. Ill be honest my best kind of day are the ones where i only leave to collect j from school or to visit Bs memorial
I have become a bit of a social leper since B died. The situations where I actually have to go and socialise I find myself wanting to just run away, I live in an almost fear that someone will want to speak to me. I don't even know if I want the job I'm interviewing for but I fear that if I don't put myself in these scary(to me) situations I never will again and the comfort of these 4 walls will end up being my prison.

Tonight's the night for misery

Today I miss my girl so much I feel like the missing is running like blood in my veins throughout my body. The tears are prickling just begind my eyelids, there's a lump stuck in my throat, and a heavy weight on my chest. I tried to put something on the Facebook page I've recently been added too but faced with others people grief laid bare I just don't feel I can today. I know tomorrow things will be better, I know because its kind of how it goes. One day smiling at a memory the next crying at the unfairness at it all. Tomorrow will be a better day, I'm just relying on that

My first Christmas post

Last year I decided that I was going to do my Christmas shopping early. By July it was all done. I had already been told what things the girls wanted, they had already gone through the Argos catalogue and I knew what they needed. I decided to do my Christmas shopping early and enjoy the holiday without having to think about Christmas shopping in November a month when its always raining and horrible and yucky outside I think the worst thing I've ever had to do and personally I think that this is worse than last year when I had no presents to wrap for B was having to give her gifts to charity, a Christmas charity for children who would be spending Christmas without their families for whatever reason. This year I felt like i had this huge decision to make to decide what I was going to do was I going to wait until the last minute so I wouldn't ever have to face even the remote possibility that i would have to do that again or was i going to trust the fact that i couldn't be this unlucky again, that my little boy and my big aren't going anywhere which is something I fear everyday.
Today though, I brought my last Christmas present and saved at least the heart ache of shopping when the carols are playing in the shops children are queuing for Santa and other mums and dads are rushing round trying to fulfil the wish list of their child without perhaps even realising how lucky they are.

Entertain your socks off

My niece is 14, and if I'm honest she's a bit of a nightmare- well I think so. basically she's awake most of the night on facebook or the internet and sleeps alot of the day, she has this ask app on Facebook which allows people to sign in and leave questions. I woke up at 4 am checked my Facebook and there was an ask post on my newsfeed which shows that not only is my child dead, people also think her death is a source of entertainment to them a way to score cheap points off one another. I did tell my niece how upset I was but by morning it had been removed. Anyway so my sister couldn't accuse me of misreading the situation I took screen shots - warning the language in this is absolute filth from all parties

Feeling delicate

A lot of the time I find myself getting upset over stupid people and their stupid remarks. A lot of the time my husband just gives me a side ways look touches me on the shoulder and suggests that maybe I'm just being delicate I can't expect people to understand, he thinks I'm ridiculous for even thinking that they should at least try. I tried to tell him last night how upset I was that a friend of mine after I had plucked up the courage to actually go round her house had spent the whole time telling me how stressful looking for a school place was, it aseingly completely didn't enter her mind that it should have been me looking for a school place for b too. . I left knowing why I hadn't been in contact before and wasn't in a hurry to make contact again. Sometimes with the exception of other bereaved parents who have become like friends to me, I am alone in this. Alone, even with my husband.

In other news I have a job interview in a few weeks, I'm as nervous as hell

I'm tired, I'm tired of waking up wishing things were different, I'm tired of trying to adjust to this life I have now, to the person I am now. I'm tired of trying to explain this to people I'm tired of people not understanding. I'm tired of this emptiness, if the hurting of the missing. I'm just tired, so, so, so tired.

Lol

J got home tonight from an adventure weekend with the Brownies, she did archery, rock climbing, abseiling, tunnel trails, quad biking and canoeing. She had the best time and came home tired, dirty, hungry and without much of a voice. Mostly though she was proud of herself for doing the abseiling despite crying all the way up the hill because she was afraid. She brought me back a mug - Mum you are FAB! P.s here's all my dirty washing! She brought her dad back a small pebble she found in the carpark and R a sloppy kiss because she ran out of money. It made me smile.

Lovely letter from tax credits

If you live in England and your wages are under a certain threshold you can sim text credits. For a while Tom and I recieved them for the kids until he got a pay rise and no longer qualified. The last time we recieved them was a while ago at something like £3 a week. Anyway yesterday I got a letter despite telling me that as B had died we had recieved an overpayment of 36.72 and they wish to be paid back by the end of the month. I can't believe the insensivity of the situation or why despite me informing them in writing of the situation they wait until a year and a bit to contact me. I just don't know whether to be upset or angry or indifferent about it

Seriously?

Some friends of my husbands have a 6 year old son, when I was pregnant with B the wife confided in me that she also thought she was pregnant as she was a few days late but subsequently it turned out rather quickly that she wasn't although she still refers to it as a miscarriage although the pregnancy was never confirmed. In march this year she announced her pregnancy of her long awaited second child which was a miracle after her previous devestating miscarriage. Very sadly at the 12 week scan it was found that the baby had a condition not comparable with life as the brain and skull hasn't developed so the decision was made to end the pregnancy.

I got a letter from her today, basically saying that she now knew exactly how I felt after all she had now lost two children and suggested that we got together to provide each other with support.

I'm not sure what to reply, I am if course sympathetic to her loss. I have never had a miscarriage but I just don't think that her situation and mine are comparable at all. Although I appreciate she is grieving that loss and the process is largely the same I just don't feel at all like I want to see her because our loses are completely different. My husband feels I should support her (even though I'm not friendly with her) but I feel I'm not in a position to support her as I am still working on all this myself. I cannot be someone's strength, I don't believe I'm wrong in this

Why

I know I've already blogged about this but the last few weeks have brought this to the forefront of my mind again.

I was reading a thread that's trending on a parenting website entitled the scarest thing your child has done. There are 4 pages of tales of kids being left on beds and rolling off, climbing onto window ledges, drinking medicine, nearly drowning, getting out on to the road. The parents consol them selfs with the fact that although scary at the time they children walked away with no lasting effects and they accept little or no responsibility for the incident because of corse no one is perfect and we are all human after all.

I wonder how though the thread would have gone had the women who started it instead started it with my child was asleep on the bed so I decided to have a shower and he unexpectedly rolled over fell off the bed hit his head and died- well I kind of know the answer it would have been pages and pages of of parents explaining how preventable the death could have been had that been there child they would be super human and never have made the same decision.

Something that's trending on social media sites is the disappearance of a little 5 year old girl. Lots and lots of people wondering why the child was riding her bike at that time of night, had it been their child she would have been in bed, how therefore the mother should accept a portion of blame for the disappearance of her child. Some even going so far as to say the mother should be thoroughly investigated by social services, questioning her ability to even be a parent.

It's funny how attitudes change though a five year old rides her bike and her path crosses with a man and she doesn't come home - her mum is critised for get decision to let her out
A six year old rides his bike and his path crosses with an elderly neighbour who had fallen- the boy goes for help he is portrayed as a hero his mum is very proud. The same decision just AA different outcome. I guess that's what is making me so cross at the moment. Why do some people continue to make the same decision as I did yet they get to keep their child and use the story as a point if amusement on a website forum. Why didn't I get to keep my girl

Not a lot to say

I really miss my girl today. I obviously miss her all the time but I don't think I would be honest if I said she was at the forefront of my mind all the time. I think if I felt like this all of the time I wouldn't be able to breathe without her. But today I really really miss her.

Back in Louisiana

Yesterday was a long old day starting at 4 in the morning and ending at 12 the following morning. This isn't the first time I've been back since B died its the third.

My connection to this house is something that I find really strange. When I'm not here I miss it, when I am here I feel very close to B. although my worst nightmare came true here it's a place I am drawn too, a place where I feel just a little bit like me

The life of a leper

J has been going to brownies since she was 7 (she's 10 now). Alot of the girls she goes to brownies with she used to go to school with. J changed schools last October (which is a whole new post) but prior to this the mums of theses girls where the women I used to chat with every morning and every afternoon. They know me. So I'm not sure whether I should laugh or be hurt that now, now since my daughter has died they would rather ignore I exist then say a word to me, or even acknowledge the fact that I'm there. To the point where I go to a brownie parent meeting, I arrive early, I sit in the middle of the row and the other parents fill in making sure they leave three seats empty on either side of me. In fact they would rather stand than sit next to the women who's daughter died.

Awake and raging

I'm awake at 2 in the morning because my husband snores, it sounds as though a freight train is rumbling through my house. That and the fact my boy wakes every 2 hours makes it a long night.

I'm also awake because something that happened on Saturday morning is still making me mad all theses hours later. I was in the supermarket with J whilst she was making her long drawn out decision on what soup she fancied for lunch when we were approached by her old lollipop lady from school. Now this women is blessed with a memory I don't have, she remembers the names of all the children who cross by her on the way to school and quite often the names of their siblings too. Seen as its been a year since she saw her, j had no clue who she was until it twigged with me and I told her. The lady came bounding over said hello to J asked how her new school was, peered into the pram and said 'oh someone was saying you we're expecting again, a little to soon I thought but hey ho at least you have a little brother now j'

Now J has seen me angry and hurt and crying and sometimes absolutely boiling but as a sensitive 10 year old who finds her mum embarrassing at times to bitch slap this stupid women in the middle of Budgens soup aisle wasn't the right thing to do by J. So I turned on my heel and walked out,

I raged about it in my head on the walk home as J ate her chips from the chip shop. I raged about it in my head as I put the shipping away and fed the baby and then J said 'mum why did that women say that?' and all I could bring myself to say was the truth. Some people talk with their hearts and minds connected and some people speak from their arse.

no longer suitable

Today i got n email notification from an online group I had been a part of.  Something that when B was a live I was heavily involved in.  In the admiistrators comments for removal is said "no longer has a suitable child for this group".

I havent logged into that site for a year, i can understand why i have been removed byut reading that i just feel this whole new wave of shit rush over me.  No longer have a suitable child hmmm

Jess

Jess and I were talking about this photo the other day and i resolved to find it so that i could show it to her.  It was taken the day before we went to Louisiana.  Jess had gone to the beach with the brownies and for some reason decided it was a good idea to go swimming fully clothed and roll around in the sand hence why she was put into a make shift outfit made from sainsburys carrier a bags.  Breanna thought it was so funny, Jess was not impressed.

Jess wants to talk about B often, she is always popping her name into conversation so matter of factly with such ease and enthusiasm that sometimes I need to gently remind her that B isn't out, she isn't spending the day with granny, or fast asleep upstairs.

J gives me the strength to carry on when I don't think I can, she without knowing it is an incredible support to me, she propels me through the anger and grief so that i can function through the day but I often wonder what it is I can do to help her?  

Explosion

Its been one of those funny weeks where I have just felt as if my brain will explode with thoughts and my heart will explode with feelings.  It all started last Tuesday night when my sister in law came to collect some bottles I had and we decided to go out for a meal.

(To give some background on this my sister in law announced her pregnancy at my daughters funeral, as both her and my brother decided that the family needed something to be happy about.  I am still processing how I feel about that whole thing.  Anyway about two weeks after I found out that I was pregnant as well.  My sister in law made no bones about the fact she wanted a boy as in her words "all the little girls i know are spoiled bitches", anyway she went on to have a little girl and I had a little boy.)

Anyway we went out for this meal and she started to tell me how lucky i was to have a little boy and how pleased i must be to 'have one of each' and how jealous she was of me for having a little boy.  I told her the truth, after J and B had been born I was desperate to have another baby but my husband wasn't keen.  To go from two to three would mean complications with cars and bedrooms and he was very happy being a dad to the two beautiful girls that we had so we decided that we weren't going to have any more children, that two would be our lot.  Then when B was a year old my husband got testicular cancer and had to have a testicle removed, we were given the option at the time to freeze some sperm as we had already had fertility tests done when trying to conceive B (it took 4 years) and had discovered that my husband had a low sperm count.  We declined as we weren't having anymore kids.

So B dies and in desperation to feel something we find comfort in one another and six weeks later im pregnant with the little boy i desperately wanted.  A baby that came along despite all the problems and the fact i was on contraceptives.   And he came along and he is gorgeous But i don't have my daughter and i feel  the life i have now runs parralell with the one i should have had, and in each i have one without the other.

Really then what my sister in law was asking of me 'was i happy i had my baby boy' would be like me saying 'would you be happy if i said you can have the boy you want , but you have to give away your girl first"

And thats what i feel i have done replaced my girl with my boy

Meeting Jane

I first met Jane in February 1993, my sister was 35 weeks pregnant and had gone in for a scan after an antenatal visit had measured her baby small for dates.  The scan revealed the baby wasn't growing well and a beautiful baby girl was born weighing 3lbs on 25 Feb 1993.  My sister named her Meredith, she was her second child.  Meredith had Edwards syndrome and it was made clear to my sister she wasn't going to make it.  My sister, Jo and her husband decided to get her christened and that's when I first met Jane.  The hospital chaplin who christened her, 3 weeks later when Meredith passed away in the arms of her mother on her mothers birthday, Jo never hesitated in her desire to have Jane perform the ceremony that enabled us to say goodbye.  She read a poem, the rose beyond the wall.

I next met Jane in 2001, my grandad had passed away from cancer and my dads family had decided that Jane wa the best person to lead the funeral service.  In that service as my sister held her new born son in her arms.  Jane made a point in acknowledging Meredith, her existence and the light she brought to our lives.

In 2006 I was to meet Jane again.  The day my  younger sister Lynda passed away, Jane read a poem at her funeral The Rose beyond the wall.  Jane lead the service at the woodland burial ground, and enabled us to say goodbye.

When B died it was only right in my head that Jane be there,  and she was.  She was this tower of support when really we were just swamped with grief.  She read a poem at Bs funeral the rose beyond the wall.

Jane is the most incredible person I have ever met but and I mean this as nicely as possible, I hope I never see her again.

Incidentally something my mum and sister and I share in commen is the loss of a child.  My mum unfortunately has lost two.  My older sister who passed away as a baby and my younger sister who died when she was 24.  It almost seems cruel that the biggest thing we share in common is that we have all lost our babies.  All second children, all little girls.

We all make mistakes

I see on the news that a father and son have drowned off the coast of Majorca, and my heart breaks for them.  Another mum who now begins this journey of trying to live without.  It seem that just recently there have been a lot of children drowning, a lot of little sweet innocent photographs of faces on the news.  Faces of children who will never grow up.

My daughter didn't drown in the sea, she drowned in a swimming pool she was familiar with.  A swimming pool she woke up each morning asking if she could go in.  In the July I had handed in my resignation at work, myself and my husband had decided that although money would be tight it was better for me and the children if I stayed at home.  I was happy with this decision, no longer would I have to juggle the demands of my job with childcare and illness, and I wouldn't have to explain to my daughters mummy couldnt do fun stuff today because I had to go to work.  In celebration of this fact and because I could, we decided that the summer holiday would be best spent in Louisiana.  Where the kids could enjoy the weather and spend time with my dad.  My niece who i the same age as my older daughter also came as did my brother and mum.  My husband had decided to stay in the UK.  We were a week into the holiday and dad had brought the kids go-karts which we were waiting to be delievered by UPS.  They were supposed to have come on the Monday and by that Thursday we were still waiting.  In order to while away some time we had spent the morning in the swimming pool lounging around on the beds.  Jess and Ellie had played diving games and Breanna had been splashing around with me.  My brother called out to say the go-karts had arrived and we raced down the garden to look.  I threw off B's arm bands and she excitedly looked at her bike, fascinated by the handle bar streamers.  It was lunch time so mum fed the kids and I struggled to put by brothers and the girls go-karts together.  I had done my brothers and the girls by the time that they had eaten lunch - I only had b's to go.  I was doing them in the garage, which had a door that lead straight into the kitchen.  Once they had eaten lunch my brother and the older girls went racing off down the drive on the go-karts.  B wanted to go and look.  She was nagging, she was persistant, but it was so hot.  I told her to go and I would follow.  I walked into the open kitchen door and turned to pick up a drink and the screws for her bike, when i turned back my older daughter was closing the door.  I told her she couldnt leave B outside to which she replied that she thought she was with me.  I knew in that moment where she had gone, i knew that she had gone the other way, I knew that she  was gone forever.  When i dragged her from that pool, with her arm bands floating in the water and my mum and I started CPR I knew that my beautiful girl wasnt coming back to me.  It must have only been a moment that I turned my back, but it was a moment too long.  I will carry that guilt with me until the day that I die.

Parents who say that it wouldnt ever happen to them because they never take their eyes off, or turn their back on their children are lying, because you do.  You take your eyes off your children all the time, when your driving, reading a book, watching the tele, going to  the toilet, typing on your computer.  You dont have your eyes on your child, its just that in those moments that anything could happen for the majority of people they dont.  People who wrote about me in the papers,who bitch at me in real life, who blame me for what happened.  You dont blame me as much as I will always blame myself.  I turned my back, I made a mistake, an error in judgement - i thought she would do as she was told.  But your not perfect, your lucky you make mistakes too only you dont pay the ultimate price for them.  I did

Being without B

Well, I guess this is my first blog post.

I lost my daughter Breanna "B" aged 2 on August 11 2011 when she drowned in a  swimming pool at my parents home in Louisiana.  Its not been until really recently that i have felt like I can talk about what happened and how I feel outside of my own head.  It hasn't been until recently, reading the blogs of other bereaved parents that I have realized I am not alone in this.  Rather, I am now part of an exclusive group of people who all share the same thing, some are truly wonderful people, people I would be honored to be friends with in real life, but we are part of a group that no one wants to join.  Mothers and fathers who have buried their child, who have faced the ultimate fear and have found an unbelievable strength from somewhere to carry on.

Something though i have found is that I am so used to putting on a brave face for the outside world that what i feel isn't said, it just goes round and round and round in my head and plays heavy on my heart.  Like others, I now join the world of blogging to tell those thoughts to the internet, to any one who wants to listen.  I have found that reading the thoughts of others in the same situation makes me find comfort in the fact that I am not alone.  Its unfair, its not right, its unbelievably painful but I am not the only one and when your the one who doesn't get to see their child again and the world goes on around you, it feels so bloody lonely like your the only one.

If you happen to come across this blog and you know me, I will make no apologies for what I write here, feel free to skip.