It's hard not too

As Christmas approaches its hard not to be caught up in the merriment. I have to say these days I feel like I'm two different people- the one who carrys on who does her best to appear as a normal mum, the one that's done the shopping is planning the meals, the one that's done the wrapping and the card making, supervised letters to Santa, removed the bra from Jess's list in said letter to Santa and is in some way looking forward to seeing the kids faces on Christmas Day, celebrating Rhys' first Christmas. But then of corse there's the other, the one that misses her daughter so much, I should have been watching her first nursery nativity. I wonder if she would have done as her sister did whilst playing the angel and wiping a bogey on the head of the donkey I wonder if she would have refused to put her penny in the old mans hat or got into a pushing fight over who was first to go on stage. It should have been me sat there last week watching her. That's how I feel my life is though split between what I have and what I don't and having those two different existences almost I think is the only way I can do it at the moment because everytime I begin to see the two merge I'm reminded of the time that Jess said 'don't worry mum I'm still here' and she is and if she's excited about Christmas then she deserves for me to at least pretend that I am.