It's hard not too

As Christmas approaches its hard not to be caught up in the merriment. I have to say these days I feel like I'm two different people- the one who carrys on who does her best to appear as a normal mum, the one that's done the shopping is planning the meals, the one that's done the wrapping and the card making, supervised letters to Santa, removed the bra from Jess's list in said letter to Santa and is in some way looking forward to seeing the kids faces on Christmas Day, celebrating Rhys' first Christmas. But then of corse there's the other, the one that misses her daughter so much, I should have been watching her first nursery nativity. I wonder if she would have done as her sister did whilst playing the angel and wiping a bogey on the head of the donkey I wonder if she would have refused to put her penny in the old mans hat or got into a pushing fight over who was first to go on stage. It should have been me sat there last week watching her. That's how I feel my life is though split between what I have and what I don't and having those two different existences almost I think is the only way I can do it at the moment because everytime I begin to see the two merge I'm reminded of the time that Jess said 'don't worry mum I'm still here' and she is and if she's excited about Christmas then she deserves for me to at least pretend that I am.

Whilst watching some rubbish (he loves it I think it's rubbish) on tv last night of the moon my husband suddenly said 'its hard isn't it? Missing her all the time' and I think that's the first time since she died and since the immediate aftermath that he's actually verbally acknowledged that he misses her. And now I have heard him say those words I don't feel so alone in this, I know he's not a big emotional talker but to actually know that he still misses her that he finds it hard too gives me some kind of comfort.

In other news and which may have prompted the conversation Rhys has been poorly, he started with just a wheeze which turned into a cough which has turned into broncolitis (I cannot spell) he ended up in hospital on a nebuliser yesterday and they have changed his inhaler to something else. They are pretty sure also that he has asthma so I have to see the GP about that. He's fine apart from the fact the last few nights he hasn't slept, but when I got the call yesterday from my mum to say he was going to the hospital all I could think was omg he's going to die which prompted an emotional phonecall to my husband - I'm pretty sure that work think I'm nuts now!

Work is something I'm still struggling with but I'm trying to hold out a but longer - it's bloody hard work though

Christmas post 2

I actually must confess that last year Christmas wasn't too bad. The food was good, it was good to see j happy when she got her new keyboard, the company was good and although it was plainly obvious that b wasn't there despite the horrendous feeling of dread as the day approached it wasn't that bad.
This year though I'm struggling to even get the strength together to get an advent calander