Back in Louisiana

Yesterday was a long old day starting at 4 in the morning and ending at 12 the following morning. This isn't the first time I've been back since B died its the third.

My connection to this house is something that I find really strange. When I'm not here I miss it, when I am here I feel very close to B. although my worst nightmare came true here it's a place I am drawn too, a place where I feel just a little bit like me

The life of a leper

J has been going to brownies since she was 7 (she's 10 now). Alot of the girls she goes to brownies with she used to go to school with. J changed schools last October (which is a whole new post) but prior to this the mums of theses girls where the women I used to chat with every morning and every afternoon. They know me. So I'm not sure whether I should laugh or be hurt that now, now since my daughter has died they would rather ignore I exist then say a word to me, or even acknowledge the fact that I'm there. To the point where I go to a brownie parent meeting, I arrive early, I sit in the middle of the row and the other parents fill in making sure they leave three seats empty on either side of me. In fact they would rather stand than sit next to the women who's daughter died.

Awake and raging

I'm awake at 2 in the morning because my husband snores, it sounds as though a freight train is rumbling through my house. That and the fact my boy wakes every 2 hours makes it a long night.

I'm also awake because something that happened on Saturday morning is still making me mad all theses hours later. I was in the supermarket with J whilst she was making her long drawn out decision on what soup she fancied for lunch when we were approached by her old lollipop lady from school. Now this women is blessed with a memory I don't have, she remembers the names of all the children who cross by her on the way to school and quite often the names of their siblings too. Seen as its been a year since she saw her, j had no clue who she was until it twigged with me and I told her. The lady came bounding over said hello to J asked how her new school was, peered into the pram and said 'oh someone was saying you we're expecting again, a little to soon I thought but hey ho at least you have a little brother now j'

Now J has seen me angry and hurt and crying and sometimes absolutely boiling but as a sensitive 10 year old who finds her mum embarrassing at times to bitch slap this stupid women in the middle of Budgens soup aisle wasn't the right thing to do by J. So I turned on my heel and walked out,

I raged about it in my head on the walk home as J ate her chips from the chip shop. I raged about it in my head as I put the shipping away and fed the baby and then J said 'mum why did that women say that?' and all I could bring myself to say was the truth. Some people talk with their hearts and minds connected and some people speak from their arse.

no longer suitable

Today i got n email notification from an online group I had been a part of.  Something that when B was a live I was heavily involved in.  In the admiistrators comments for removal is said "no longer has a suitable child for this group".

I havent logged into that site for a year, i can understand why i have been removed byut reading that i just feel this whole new wave of shit rush over me.  No longer have a suitable child hmmm

Jess

Jess and I were talking about this photo the other day and i resolved to find it so that i could show it to her.  It was taken the day before we went to Louisiana.  Jess had gone to the beach with the brownies and for some reason decided it was a good idea to go swimming fully clothed and roll around in the sand hence why she was put into a make shift outfit made from sainsburys carrier a bags.  Breanna thought it was so funny, Jess was not impressed.

Jess wants to talk about B often, she is always popping her name into conversation so matter of factly with such ease and enthusiasm that sometimes I need to gently remind her that B isn't out, she isn't spending the day with granny, or fast asleep upstairs.

J gives me the strength to carry on when I don't think I can, she without knowing it is an incredible support to me, she propels me through the anger and grief so that i can function through the day but I often wonder what it is I can do to help her?  

Explosion

Its been one of those funny weeks where I have just felt as if my brain will explode with thoughts and my heart will explode with feelings.  It all started last Tuesday night when my sister in law came to collect some bottles I had and we decided to go out for a meal.

(To give some background on this my sister in law announced her pregnancy at my daughters funeral, as both her and my brother decided that the family needed something to be happy about.  I am still processing how I feel about that whole thing.  Anyway about two weeks after I found out that I was pregnant as well.  My sister in law made no bones about the fact she wanted a boy as in her words "all the little girls i know are spoiled bitches", anyway she went on to have a little girl and I had a little boy.)

Anyway we went out for this meal and she started to tell me how lucky i was to have a little boy and how pleased i must be to 'have one of each' and how jealous she was of me for having a little boy.  I told her the truth, after J and B had been born I was desperate to have another baby but my husband wasn't keen.  To go from two to three would mean complications with cars and bedrooms and he was very happy being a dad to the two beautiful girls that we had so we decided that we weren't going to have any more children, that two would be our lot.  Then when B was a year old my husband got testicular cancer and had to have a testicle removed, we were given the option at the time to freeze some sperm as we had already had fertility tests done when trying to conceive B (it took 4 years) and had discovered that my husband had a low sperm count.  We declined as we weren't having anymore kids.

So B dies and in desperation to feel something we find comfort in one another and six weeks later im pregnant with the little boy i desperately wanted.  A baby that came along despite all the problems and the fact i was on contraceptives.   And he came along and he is gorgeous But i don't have my daughter and i feel  the life i have now runs parralell with the one i should have had, and in each i have one without the other.

Really then what my sister in law was asking of me 'was i happy i had my baby boy' would be like me saying 'would you be happy if i said you can have the boy you want , but you have to give away your girl first"

And thats what i feel i have done replaced my girl with my boy

Meeting Jane

I first met Jane in February 1993, my sister was 35 weeks pregnant and had gone in for a scan after an antenatal visit had measured her baby small for dates.  The scan revealed the baby wasn't growing well and a beautiful baby girl was born weighing 3lbs on 25 Feb 1993.  My sister named her Meredith, she was her second child.  Meredith had Edwards syndrome and it was made clear to my sister she wasn't going to make it.  My sister, Jo and her husband decided to get her christened and that's when I first met Jane.  The hospital chaplin who christened her, 3 weeks later when Meredith passed away in the arms of her mother on her mothers birthday, Jo never hesitated in her desire to have Jane perform the ceremony that enabled us to say goodbye.  She read a poem, the rose beyond the wall.

I next met Jane in 2001, my grandad had passed away from cancer and my dads family had decided that Jane wa the best person to lead the funeral service.  In that service as my sister held her new born son in her arms.  Jane made a point in acknowledging Meredith, her existence and the light she brought to our lives.

In 2006 I was to meet Jane again.  The day my  younger sister Lynda passed away, Jane read a poem at her funeral The Rose beyond the wall.  Jane lead the service at the woodland burial ground, and enabled us to say goodbye.

When B died it was only right in my head that Jane be there,  and she was.  She was this tower of support when really we were just swamped with grief.  She read a poem at Bs funeral the rose beyond the wall.

Jane is the most incredible person I have ever met but and I mean this as nicely as possible, I hope I never see her again.

Incidentally something my mum and sister and I share in commen is the loss of a child.  My mum unfortunately has lost two.  My older sister who passed away as a baby and my younger sister who died when she was 24.  It almost seems cruel that the biggest thing we share in common is that we have all lost our babies.  All second children, all little girls.

We all make mistakes

I see on the news that a father and son have drowned off the coast of Majorca, and my heart breaks for them.  Another mum who now begins this journey of trying to live without.  It seem that just recently there have been a lot of children drowning, a lot of little sweet innocent photographs of faces on the news.  Faces of children who will never grow up.

My daughter didn't drown in the sea, she drowned in a swimming pool she was familiar with.  A swimming pool she woke up each morning asking if she could go in.  In the July I had handed in my resignation at work, myself and my husband had decided that although money would be tight it was better for me and the children if I stayed at home.  I was happy with this decision, no longer would I have to juggle the demands of my job with childcare and illness, and I wouldn't have to explain to my daughters mummy couldnt do fun stuff today because I had to go to work.  In celebration of this fact and because I could, we decided that the summer holiday would be best spent in Louisiana.  Where the kids could enjoy the weather and spend time with my dad.  My niece who i the same age as my older daughter also came as did my brother and mum.  My husband had decided to stay in the UK.  We were a week into the holiday and dad had brought the kids go-karts which we were waiting to be delievered by UPS.  They were supposed to have come on the Monday and by that Thursday we were still waiting.  In order to while away some time we had spent the morning in the swimming pool lounging around on the beds.  Jess and Ellie had played diving games and Breanna had been splashing around with me.  My brother called out to say the go-karts had arrived and we raced down the garden to look.  I threw off B's arm bands and she excitedly looked at her bike, fascinated by the handle bar streamers.  It was lunch time so mum fed the kids and I struggled to put by brothers and the girls go-karts together.  I had done my brothers and the girls by the time that they had eaten lunch - I only had b's to go.  I was doing them in the garage, which had a door that lead straight into the kitchen.  Once they had eaten lunch my brother and the older girls went racing off down the drive on the go-karts.  B wanted to go and look.  She was nagging, she was persistant, but it was so hot.  I told her to go and I would follow.  I walked into the open kitchen door and turned to pick up a drink and the screws for her bike, when i turned back my older daughter was closing the door.  I told her she couldnt leave B outside to which she replied that she thought she was with me.  I knew in that moment where she had gone, i knew that she had gone the other way, I knew that she  was gone forever.  When i dragged her from that pool, with her arm bands floating in the water and my mum and I started CPR I knew that my beautiful girl wasnt coming back to me.  It must have only been a moment that I turned my back, but it was a moment too long.  I will carry that guilt with me until the day that I die.

Parents who say that it wouldnt ever happen to them because they never take their eyes off, or turn their back on their children are lying, because you do.  You take your eyes off your children all the time, when your driving, reading a book, watching the tele, going to  the toilet, typing on your computer.  You dont have your eyes on your child, its just that in those moments that anything could happen for the majority of people they dont.  People who wrote about me in the papers,who bitch at me in real life, who blame me for what happened.  You dont blame me as much as I will always blame myself.  I turned my back, I made a mistake, an error in judgement - i thought she would do as she was told.  But your not perfect, your lucky you make mistakes too only you dont pay the ultimate price for them.  I did

Being without B

Well, I guess this is my first blog post.

I lost my daughter Breanna "B" aged 2 on August 11 2011 when she drowned in a  swimming pool at my parents home in Louisiana.  Its not been until really recently that i have felt like I can talk about what happened and how I feel outside of my own head.  It hasn't been until recently, reading the blogs of other bereaved parents that I have realized I am not alone in this.  Rather, I am now part of an exclusive group of people who all share the same thing, some are truly wonderful people, people I would be honored to be friends with in real life, but we are part of a group that no one wants to join.  Mothers and fathers who have buried their child, who have faced the ultimate fear and have found an unbelievable strength from somewhere to carry on.

Something though i have found is that I am so used to putting on a brave face for the outside world that what i feel isn't said, it just goes round and round and round in my head and plays heavy on my heart.  Like others, I now join the world of blogging to tell those thoughts to the internet, to any one who wants to listen.  I have found that reading the thoughts of others in the same situation makes me find comfort in the fact that I am not alone.  Its unfair, its not right, its unbelievably painful but I am not the only one and when your the one who doesn't get to see their child again and the world goes on around you, it feels so bloody lonely like your the only one.

If you happen to come across this blog and you know me, I will make no apologies for what I write here, feel free to skip.