Its been one of those funny weeks where I have just felt as if my brain will explode with thoughts and my heart will explode with feelings. It all started last Tuesday night when my sister in law came to collect some bottles I had and we decided to go out for a meal.
(To give some background on this my sister in law announced her pregnancy at my daughters funeral, as both her and my brother decided that the family needed something to be happy about. I am still processing how I feel about that whole thing. Anyway about two weeks after I found out that I was pregnant as well. My sister in law made no bones about the fact she wanted a boy as in her words "all the little girls i know are spoiled bitches", anyway she went on to have a little girl and I had a little boy.)
Anyway we went out for this meal and she started to tell me how lucky i was to have a little boy and how pleased i must be to 'have one of each' and how jealous she was of me for having a little boy. I told her the truth, after J and B had been born I was desperate to have another baby but my husband wasn't keen. To go from two to three would mean complications with cars and bedrooms and he was very happy being a dad to the two beautiful girls that we had so we decided that we weren't going to have any more children, that two would be our lot. Then when B was a year old my husband got testicular cancer and had to have a testicle removed, we were given the option at the time to freeze some sperm as we had already had fertility tests done when trying to conceive B (it took 4 years) and had discovered that my husband had a low sperm count. We declined as we weren't having anymore kids.
So B dies and in desperation to feel something we find comfort in one another and six weeks later im pregnant with the little boy i desperately wanted. A baby that came along despite all the problems and the fact i was on contraceptives. And he came along and he is gorgeous But i don't have my daughter and i feel the life i have now runs parralell with the one i should have had, and in each i have one without the other.
Really then what my sister in law was asking of me 'was i happy i had my baby boy' would be like me saying 'would you be happy if i said you can have the boy you want , but you have to give away your girl first"
And thats what i feel i have done replaced my girl with my boy
I just wanted you to know that I found your blog today and added it to the site I've created in memory of my son. I've been gathering blogs and websites by and for bereaved parents
ReplyDeletehttp://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss
I hope that you might find some other blogs and sites that are helpful to you and that in turn other people will discover your blog.
I totally get this post.
ReplyDeleteI am pregnant right now with a child that would never have been conceived without Eva's death. And it feels like I had to choose when of course there was no way I actually could have chosen. So strange. And your SIL is a piece of work that I'm not sure is a healthy relationship. You DON'T have 1 of each. You have 2 girls and 1 boy. B might not be breathing the air of earth but she is and will always be your daughter. I blogged about something similar in my blog. Posted in early September, the title is A Tale of Two Heartbeats. And glad you installed the follow button!
I think we've chatted on a bereavement forum before. I only just found your blog and I'm starting at the beginning. I'm so sorry that you lost your precious girl. My son died suddenly last Christmas and I also fell pregnant very shortly afterwards. I now have a wee girl and it's like I have two lives, before with him and now with her.
ReplyDelete