My first Christmas post

Last year I decided that I was going to do my Christmas shopping early. By July it was all done. I had already been told what things the girls wanted, they had already gone through the Argos catalogue and I knew what they needed. I decided to do my Christmas shopping early and enjoy the holiday without having to think about Christmas shopping in November a month when its always raining and horrible and yucky outside I think the worst thing I've ever had to do and personally I think that this is worse than last year when I had no presents to wrap for B was having to give her gifts to charity, a Christmas charity for children who would be spending Christmas without their families for whatever reason. This year I felt like i had this huge decision to make to decide what I was going to do was I going to wait until the last minute so I wouldn't ever have to face even the remote possibility that i would have to do that again or was i going to trust the fact that i couldn't be this unlucky again, that my little boy and my big aren't going anywhere which is something I fear everyday.
Today though, I brought my last Christmas present and saved at least the heart ache of shopping when the carols are playing in the shops children are queuing for Santa and other mums and dads are rushing round trying to fulfil the wish list of their child without perhaps even realising how lucky they are.

Entertain your socks off

My niece is 14, and if I'm honest she's a bit of a nightmare- well I think so. basically she's awake most of the night on facebook or the internet and sleeps alot of the day, she has this ask app on Facebook which allows people to sign in and leave questions. I woke up at 4 am checked my Facebook and there was an ask post on my newsfeed which shows that not only is my child dead, people also think her death is a source of entertainment to them a way to score cheap points off one another. I did tell my niece how upset I was but by morning it had been removed. Anyway so my sister couldn't accuse me of misreading the situation I took screen shots - warning the language in this is absolute filth from all parties

Feeling delicate

A lot of the time I find myself getting upset over stupid people and their stupid remarks. A lot of the time my husband just gives me a side ways look touches me on the shoulder and suggests that maybe I'm just being delicate I can't expect people to understand, he thinks I'm ridiculous for even thinking that they should at least try. I tried to tell him last night how upset I was that a friend of mine after I had plucked up the courage to actually go round her house had spent the whole time telling me how stressful looking for a school place was, it aseingly completely didn't enter her mind that it should have been me looking for a school place for b too. . I left knowing why I hadn't been in contact before and wasn't in a hurry to make contact again. Sometimes with the exception of other bereaved parents who have become like friends to me, I am alone in this. Alone, even with my husband.

In other news I have a job interview in a few weeks, I'm as nervous as hell

I'm tired, I'm tired of waking up wishing things were different, I'm tired of trying to adjust to this life I have now, to the person I am now. I'm tired of trying to explain this to people I'm tired of people not understanding. I'm tired of this emptiness, if the hurting of the missing. I'm just tired, so, so, so tired.

Lol

J got home tonight from an adventure weekend with the Brownies, she did archery, rock climbing, abseiling, tunnel trails, quad biking and canoeing. She had the best time and came home tired, dirty, hungry and without much of a voice. Mostly though she was proud of herself for doing the abseiling despite crying all the way up the hill because she was afraid. She brought me back a mug - Mum you are FAB! P.s here's all my dirty washing! She brought her dad back a small pebble she found in the carpark and R a sloppy kiss because she ran out of money. It made me smile.

Lovely letter from tax credits

If you live in England and your wages are under a certain threshold you can sim text credits. For a while Tom and I recieved them for the kids until he got a pay rise and no longer qualified. The last time we recieved them was a while ago at something like £3 a week. Anyway yesterday I got a letter despite telling me that as B had died we had recieved an overpayment of 36.72 and they wish to be paid back by the end of the month. I can't believe the insensivity of the situation or why despite me informing them in writing of the situation they wait until a year and a bit to contact me. I just don't know whether to be upset or angry or indifferent about it

Seriously?

Some friends of my husbands have a 6 year old son, when I was pregnant with B the wife confided in me that she also thought she was pregnant as she was a few days late but subsequently it turned out rather quickly that she wasn't although she still refers to it as a miscarriage although the pregnancy was never confirmed. In march this year she announced her pregnancy of her long awaited second child which was a miracle after her previous devestating miscarriage. Very sadly at the 12 week scan it was found that the baby had a condition not comparable with life as the brain and skull hasn't developed so the decision was made to end the pregnancy.

I got a letter from her today, basically saying that she now knew exactly how I felt after all she had now lost two children and suggested that we got together to provide each other with support.

I'm not sure what to reply, I am if course sympathetic to her loss. I have never had a miscarriage but I just don't think that her situation and mine are comparable at all. Although I appreciate she is grieving that loss and the process is largely the same I just don't feel at all like I want to see her because our loses are completely different. My husband feels I should support her (even though I'm not friendly with her) but I feel I'm not in a position to support her as I am still working on all this myself. I cannot be someone's strength, I don't believe I'm wrong in this

Why

I know I've already blogged about this but the last few weeks have brought this to the forefront of my mind again.

I was reading a thread that's trending on a parenting website entitled the scarest thing your child has done. There are 4 pages of tales of kids being left on beds and rolling off, climbing onto window ledges, drinking medicine, nearly drowning, getting out on to the road. The parents consol them selfs with the fact that although scary at the time they children walked away with no lasting effects and they accept little or no responsibility for the incident because of corse no one is perfect and we are all human after all.

I wonder how though the thread would have gone had the women who started it instead started it with my child was asleep on the bed so I decided to have a shower and he unexpectedly rolled over fell off the bed hit his head and died- well I kind of know the answer it would have been pages and pages of of parents explaining how preventable the death could have been had that been there child they would be super human and never have made the same decision.

Something that's trending on social media sites is the disappearance of a little 5 year old girl. Lots and lots of people wondering why the child was riding her bike at that time of night, had it been their child she would have been in bed, how therefore the mother should accept a portion of blame for the disappearance of her child. Some even going so far as to say the mother should be thoroughly investigated by social services, questioning her ability to even be a parent.

It's funny how attitudes change though a five year old rides her bike and her path crosses with a man and she doesn't come home - her mum is critised for get decision to let her out
A six year old rides his bike and his path crosses with an elderly neighbour who had fallen- the boy goes for help he is portrayed as a hero his mum is very proud. The same decision just AA different outcome. I guess that's what is making me so cross at the moment. Why do some people continue to make the same decision as I did yet they get to keep their child and use the story as a point if amusement on a website forum. Why didn't I get to keep my girl

Not a lot to say

I really miss my girl today. I obviously miss her all the time but I don't think I would be honest if I said she was at the forefront of my mind all the time. I think if I felt like this all of the time I wouldn't be able to breathe without her. But today I really really miss her.