The best friends I have

Are on the Internet. There's the ones I met through a holiday wish list appeal some 5 or so years ago who probably know more about me and what I'm thinking than my husband does. There are the ones that I speak to alot on Facebook who live minutes from me who I rarely actually see and when I do see them it's just a friendly hello and move on. Then there's a select group of people who I have met since B died who may not know that my favourite colour is purple and I am addicted to stationary especially mini stationary, but they at least have some idea of what this is like. My husband thinks I'm a little crazy that I go for weeks and weeks without talking to real in the flesh friends that I reserve contact with them for special occasions and the unexpected moments where I bump into them in the shops because I haven't had a chance to hide. The task my CPN has taken on is to encourage me into situations where I may make a new in the flesh friend - we shall see how that goes!

Feeling a little deflated

Funnily though it has nothing to do with B. I decided that I would have a go at making keepsakes of my own using a pattern available online. I didn't want to make bears and bunts and memory quilts I just wanted to make ducks. I was quite excited about it, and didn't think it would be stepping on anyone's shoes really as although other people make the ducks no one else makes them exclusively and the women in the local area who I was going to make them for doesn't make them - at least she didn't until she announced today that she was going too. Now I'm not sure what to do, do I just give up on the idea? Or do I go ahead with it anyway it may not even go anywhere and really what's life without competition- I really don't know

Sorry 2 updates 1 day

If I just splurged and said exactly what's on my mind right this minute it would be this - I want off the life train, I've had enough, I can't do it, I'm done with being a grown up a mother a wife I want off I want out I want done. How come yesterday was so fine yet today feels so desperate, so done so final?? How do you put one foot in front of the other when all you want to do is be swallowed up by it? Is tomorrow going to be a stronger day will it even come at all?

What goes up comes down

The last few weeks I have felt like some big fat fraud, Ive actually been on quite a high and coping really well.  I was kinda tapping myself on the back for taking this massive leap forward in this whole process.  I got a job, I decided to start my own keepsake business, my house was tidy and clean, I passed my exams and put in for my final two - all was going so well.

Today though I feel s massively deflated and so far down that if it wasn't for the fact I had to get up to feed R I dont think i would have bothered.  I just miss my girl crazy amounts today

This picture

An hour after this photo was taken the cascading events of that day that left me without my girl were about to unfold - the kids were having lunch and i was just watching the water thinking what a great time we were having wondering if the go karts would ever arrive.

If I could go back in time this is the point where I would return. To the point in time just before the world changed.

Ok so I guess the biggest news since my last post is I got the job! I actually got both jobs the making one and the admin one but I've chosen to only accept the admin one. The things I make, the sewing I do I want to do because I enjoy it not because I'm trying to meet deadlines

One of the questions that was asked was what does a job mean to you? I guess for me a job means moving forward. It means doing more than just siting in this house and the whole world just going on without me. Don't get me wrong sometimes, many times I still have many days when all I want is my girl and all I want to do is miss her. But, I just feel at this point it's what I need to do.

Just though when you think your doing ok something blind sides you. For me it was my father in law. It was his birthday the other day and he was having a dessert party. When we went there was an older man there who I have never seen before. Anyway it turned out that this man who in 10 years of knowing my husband I have never met is one of my FIL brothers. (He's youngest died last year he has a sister in Oxford and another two in Canada) this man Don lives about an hour away from us.

So yesterday I said to my husband 'why wasn't he at our wedding but more importantly why wasn't he at Bs funeral?' He said that his dad just isn't that close to his brother as there's a 10 year age difference (the same as between j and R and me and my older sister) they get on they just don't see much of each other and apparently he spends the summer abroad which is why he wasn't invited to the wedding. As far as B goes though he said that at he probably didn't know she had even been born he saw no point in telling them she had died?!?! Let me tell you I was furious but I'm not sure what really upset me the most the fact that he didn't tell them she had been born and died which would deny the fact that she even existed to them, or the fact that my FIL hadn't told him either. I just don't get it, but knowing my husband and his family I'm shockingly unsuprised by it

The homework and the conclusion

If your friends with me on facebook you already know half of this story, sorry :) it is still annoying me. Anyway, Jess gets comprehension homework every Monday to be done by the Friday.  As she is sitting her sats next May a lot of this work involves printed sheets with a passage from a story on one side and a few questions on the other.  Jess hates to do homework, but we have got into this routine where she does a question a day and by the Thursday its all done.  Now its taken ages to get into this routine and a lot of nagging but this week she has been reluctant.  Last night after claiming to have spent an hour doing it, I took a look at her progress when she went to bed to find out actually she had done nothing so i took a look and had a read.  The story is based on a brother and sister who go for a walk and the younger sister falls into a pond and nearly drowns, it used sentences like "the water was dark dark drowning" and "she screamed and i could hear the water bubbling in her lungs".  There were pictures as well, and descriptions of panic and screaming and crying.  On the back of the passage were some questions and the last one was "imaging you are in a similar situation, how would you react, how do you think you would feel?" - I kinda flipped my lid a bit baring in mind everything we have been through with the school and school in general I couldn't believe they would be so stupid.  I also couldn't understand why anyway this kind of thing would be given to a 10 year old, and the worst part perhaps is that it is a photocopy from a recommended teacher resource.

Anyway i think Tom had to hold me back from marching straight down the school last night and camping out till this morning so i could tell her stupid teacher what i thought.  I settled for a note not wanting to make a massive scene about it knowing that Jess was upset anyway.  I asked that she be excused from this piece of homework and the lessons next week where they discuss in great detail the homework.  I got a note back saying basically that the teacher hadn't actually even read it before handing it out it had been photocopied and chosen by a teaching assistant,  Jess said that she asked her for the passage so she could read it.  I am currently trying to decided what i do from here.

A girl

I've just listened to a gushy message on my ansaphone from my MIL telling my husband that his cousin has found out she's having a girl and how lovely it is after all these boys to finally get a girl. All these boys? Weird seen as on my husbands side of the family there is him and his brother who has no children and his cousin - so 'all these boys' is actually singular one boy- mine. Of course the last time the news of a little girl joining that side of the family they were all talking about my girl. Apparently after speaking with his mum my husband felt the need to add that his cousin would have much preferred a boy. Why on this occasion could he not just keep his mouth shut

Mind the gap!

Today feels like one of those filler stop gap days where nothing in particular is happening at all. R is asleep on my knee the house is tidy I've been up to the woodland burial ground to change the flowers, and driven down to the school to give J the piano book she forgot. Everything feels calm and normal but the rest of the week will be chaotic! On Wednesday I have to meet a lady for a job, it's a work from home job making forget me not teddys out of old baby clothes. Which for me just seems ironic, though I'm not entirely sure why. On Thursday I have a job interview and Friday I've got to sit an exam in Eastleigh. I've got so much to do, revision, sorting stuff out for the interview and general other stuff but I can't find any motivation to do it. Not only that I already can't sleep because I'm so stressed out that I will actually have to leave the comfort and security of my home and speak to people. Ill be honest my best kind of day are the ones where i only leave to collect j from school or to visit Bs memorial
I have become a bit of a social leper since B died. The situations where I actually have to go and socialise I find myself wanting to just run away, I live in an almost fear that someone will want to speak to me. I don't even know if I want the job I'm interviewing for but I fear that if I don't put myself in these scary(to me) situations I never will again and the comfort of these 4 walls will end up being my prison.

Tonight's the night for misery

Today I miss my girl so much I feel like the missing is running like blood in my veins throughout my body. The tears are prickling just begind my eyelids, there's a lump stuck in my throat, and a heavy weight on my chest. I tried to put something on the Facebook page I've recently been added too but faced with others people grief laid bare I just don't feel I can today. I know tomorrow things will be better, I know because its kind of how it goes. One day smiling at a memory the next crying at the unfairness at it all. Tomorrow will be a better day, I'm just relying on that