We all make mistakes

I see on the news that a father and son have drowned off the coast of Majorca, and my heart breaks for them.  Another mum who now begins this journey of trying to live without.  It seem that just recently there have been a lot of children drowning, a lot of little sweet innocent photographs of faces on the news.  Faces of children who will never grow up.

My daughter didn't drown in the sea, she drowned in a swimming pool she was familiar with.  A swimming pool she woke up each morning asking if she could go in.  In the July I had handed in my resignation at work, myself and my husband had decided that although money would be tight it was better for me and the children if I stayed at home.  I was happy with this decision, no longer would I have to juggle the demands of my job with childcare and illness, and I wouldn't have to explain to my daughters mummy couldnt do fun stuff today because I had to go to work.  In celebration of this fact and because I could, we decided that the summer holiday would be best spent in Louisiana.  Where the kids could enjoy the weather and spend time with my dad.  My niece who i the same age as my older daughter also came as did my brother and mum.  My husband had decided to stay in the UK.  We were a week into the holiday and dad had brought the kids go-karts which we were waiting to be delievered by UPS.  They were supposed to have come on the Monday and by that Thursday we were still waiting.  In order to while away some time we had spent the morning in the swimming pool lounging around on the beds.  Jess and Ellie had played diving games and Breanna had been splashing around with me.  My brother called out to say the go-karts had arrived and we raced down the garden to look.  I threw off B's arm bands and she excitedly looked at her bike, fascinated by the handle bar streamers.  It was lunch time so mum fed the kids and I struggled to put by brothers and the girls go-karts together.  I had done my brothers and the girls by the time that they had eaten lunch - I only had b's to go.  I was doing them in the garage, which had a door that lead straight into the kitchen.  Once they had eaten lunch my brother and the older girls went racing off down the drive on the go-karts.  B wanted to go and look.  She was nagging, she was persistant, but it was so hot.  I told her to go and I would follow.  I walked into the open kitchen door and turned to pick up a drink and the screws for her bike, when i turned back my older daughter was closing the door.  I told her she couldnt leave B outside to which she replied that she thought she was with me.  I knew in that moment where she had gone, i knew that she had gone the other way, I knew that she  was gone forever.  When i dragged her from that pool, with her arm bands floating in the water and my mum and I started CPR I knew that my beautiful girl wasnt coming back to me.  It must have only been a moment that I turned my back, but it was a moment too long.  I will carry that guilt with me until the day that I die.

Parents who say that it wouldnt ever happen to them because they never take their eyes off, or turn their back on their children are lying, because you do.  You take your eyes off your children all the time, when your driving, reading a book, watching the tele, going to  the toilet, typing on your computer.  You dont have your eyes on your child, its just that in those moments that anything could happen for the majority of people they dont.  People who wrote about me in the papers,who bitch at me in real life, who blame me for what happened.  You dont blame me as much as I will always blame myself.  I turned my back, I made a mistake, an error in judgement - i thought she would do as she was told.  But your not perfect, your lucky you make mistakes too only you dont pay the ultimate price for them.  I did