Some friends of my husbands have a 6 year old son, when I was pregnant with B the wife confided in me that she also thought she was pregnant as she was a few days late but subsequently it turned out rather quickly that she wasn't although she still refers to it as a miscarriage although the pregnancy was never confirmed. In march this year she announced her pregnancy of her long awaited second child which was a miracle after her previous devestating miscarriage. Very sadly at the 12 week scan it was found that the baby had a condition not comparable with life as the brain and skull hasn't developed so the decision was made to end the pregnancy.
I got a letter from her today, basically saying that she now knew exactly how I felt after all she had now lost two children and suggested that we got together to provide each other with support.
I'm not sure what to reply, I am if course sympathetic to her loss. I have never had a miscarriage but I just don't think that her situation and mine are comparable at all. Although I appreciate she is grieving that loss and the process is largely the same I just don't feel at all like I want to see her because our loses are completely different. My husband feels I should support her (even though I'm not friendly with her) but I feel I'm not in a position to support her as I am still working on all this myself. I cannot be someone's strength, I don't believe I'm wrong in this
Sad to hear of her loss, but it's really a remarkable thing for her to compare herself to you. Maybe she has no other support system and is looking in the only place she thinks she'll find an understanding shoulder.
ReplyDeleteYes your losses are different. However here is an example of me being on the opposite side. Eva died on Aug 15 2011. On Aug 18th 2011 there was a terrible car crash in out small city that killed 4 teen boys. Someone then proceeded to tell me that the parents of these children were suffering more because they had known their children for 14 years while I had only known Eva for 10 months. That is would be easier for me because we had known Eva for less time. I felt so angry because I WISH I had had Eva for 14 years. Anyway, that comment really stuck with me. Yes, your losses are different and I totally get how much more painful it is to lose a child that you have held and loved. But where does it change? Where is the line. 24 weeks gestation? Full term still birth? A baby that has lived a few weeks in NICU? A baby who died at 10 months old? A toddler who drowned? A 14 year old boy in a car crash? I cannot be the one to make that call.
ReplyDeleteAll that being said, I think it's fair for you to say you can't support her because you are just struggling to breathe yourself. However, some of the best healing I have done is by helping others with their loss. Crying with them.
Here is a website to give to your friend. www.glowinthewoods.com
I have had alot of love there.
Much love to you dear Sally.
I can understand where your coming from there my mum has always said there is no difference in the loss she felt between the child she held for 2 hours and the one she had for 23 years. I guess what upset me a little but was a part of the letter that suggested her 2 miscarriages meant that she had lost two children and that was worse then me just losing one - but if I put my rational head on I may have read to much into that. I guess the way I see it, and it's just my opinion a loss in early pregnancy isn't the same as losing a child, but losing a child is the same regardless of how long you held that child. But I can appreciate that my view point is just how I suppose I would feel as I've never had a miscarriage so I'm just imagining, then again I can also see that as she's never walked in my shoes she is just really supposing too.
DeleteHi Sally,
DeleteI came back here today cause I've been thinking and thinking about my comment. I hoped you were ok with it. And yes, I do agree about an early pregnancy loss. It's the loss of hopes and dreams. With losing a child that you held it's the loss of THAT particular child. Not just the hopes and dreams. It was good for me to hear about your mum saying there was no difference between the child she held for 2 hours and the one she had for 23 years (thumbing my nose at the person who told me the 14 year old boys parents lost more than me). Also, there are lots of pregnancy and infant loss supports. glowinthewoods being one of the top ones. She can find support elsewhere if she needs it. But hopefully you and her can find some common ground because it's helpful to have IRL people to talk to. Much love to you Sally.
Em
I will certainly pass that website onto her thankyou :)
DeleteI had a miscarriage (very early) whilst TTC Madeleine. My experience is that an early miscarriage is nothing like losing my daughter. I really don't get this - they are all losses business. If I discovered I was a week pg now (I am not!) but if I did, I wouldn't view a miscarriage or Madeleine dying as 2 equally bad things. I don't know any mother who would - honestly. I think that is the distinction between a child who has born and is alive and one who is a 7 week embryo. It's not about how old children are - I don't think parents could choose between saving a 2 year old and a 7 year old - they are both alive. A miscarriage is very different.
ReplyDeleteI recall reading the Child Bereavement Charity supports parents who have had a failed IVF attempt - and that pissed me off to. I guess I'm just not PC enough. Sorry! :(
Please think of yourself Sally - it is not your job to help anyone else, and you shouldn't feel obliged in anyway. Miscariage is common, and your acquaintance will find zillions of women who can empathise.