Looking for the missing

I feel sometimes like I'm forever searching for B like she's just missing and any day now I'm going to find her. Sometimes I think I hear her laughing and I ache for her, sometimes I think I see her as a little girl with blond hair bounds off into the distance, lost into the crowd. Sometimes I feel like ill get not rest from the searching. I feel incomplete without her

Unsent

Dear Lyn

It's been along time hasn't it? No your right it hasn't really, six years in the grand scale of time is barely a whisper yet it feels like such a long time since we spoke, since I heard your voice since I saw you.

I've been trying to work things out and I wish I knew the answer. I'm sorry that you felt the only option was to leave it breaks my heart to know that wasn't true. I read the letters Lyn I know that for you this was a way of making everything ok. You didn't want to go but life had become so unbearable that you didn't want to be here either. I wish I could have helped you. I wish that you knew that I loved you and I wish you believed it. I would have done anything but in the moments when you just seemed to hate me I knew the best thing I could do for you was to walk away. I didn't want too.

It's strange it's something that I struggle with. Your not here. I'm not sure where you are, I don't know what comes next, but if B is with you even if there is the tiniest possibility. Tell her I'm sorry

Tell her that if I could I would be with her. Tell her I long to see her, to here her too feel her next to me.

Tell her that in that moment I made a mistake. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her that I tried to bring her back to me. Tell her I love her.

It's been a long time Lyn yet in other ways just a moment and all these moments ahead of me engulf me sometimes. All the things I have to do without you, without her. I wish I knew what the answer was. I miss her so much Lyn I miss her smile her giggle the joy she brought in my life my life is different without you both. It's difficult it's hard it's crazy it's shit it's not what I wanted, it's difficult and I don't like it.

I never said goodbye to you Lyn I never did once you became ill I always said see you later xxxxx

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to pack my bags and walk out sometimes I don't even care if I even take my bags. Sometimes I just want to be off the planet. I just dont want to be here at all. Sometimes, not all the time but definately sometimes.

Naughty

Every month or so Tom and I go out for dinner alone, it's the only time that we really talk about B and Jess and Rhys and where we are going with it all. It's also nice to eat my dinner whilst its still hot! To be honest at home we are like ships that pass in the night. Rhys sleeps very little and so I try and get a couple of hours early evening I then look after him whilst Tom does some work on his software business before Rhys goes to sleep round about midnight then we go to bed but Rhys wakes usually a couple of hours later. That's him awake then ready to start the day and its always me up with him. Anyway last night we opted for a quick meal and then we did something really naughty we checked into the premier inn. And I slept for 3 solid hours with no chance of being woken by Rhys and then we checked out. It was lovely and it was exspensive and slightly nuts. But it was the best 3 hours sleep I have had in a long time

How can it be so?

I'm tired, I'm functioning barely on 4 hours sleep over the past two days thanks to teething and although my boys asleep now snoring next to me I'm very much awake.

I think I will lay here all night watching the time tick away into tomorrow. This isn't my first tomorrow without B but I will buck the tread here and say last year didn't feel nearly as bad. I cannot see the reason why tomorrow will happen and my girl won't be here see it. There won't be a big celebration or gifts or cards on the mantle. There won't be candles and cake and singing It will just be tomorrow and I'll just be without her.

Happy birthday my gorgeous girl for tomorrow. Mummy loves you

A question of culture?

I know that after B died a massive portion of blame fell on me, if I had waited to get my drink if I had insisted she stay with me instead of running ahead if I hadn't done a lot of things she wouldn't be dead. To be honest I accept that blame but I also see now that blaming myself absolutely won't bring her back so I try my hardest to not dwell on that part of it, to not focus on the what ifs.

The only person who has actually come out and said 'you should have gone with her' or questioned my actions on the day to my face was an American friend of mine who swiftly followed it with I would have never had put my child in danger like that despite the fact she has a 1/2 mile pond at the bottom of her garden and let's her children play out alone. I accepted her critisim of my parenting at the time because to be honest I accept that people may have that view as a way of saying I would never do it therefore my child won't ever die, it's a sort of false protection. We still communicate via Facebook and in her own way she has been supportive since B died, alot of the disagreements we do have are over our polar views on racism homosexuals God Obama and guns. . But that I think is partly down to the countries we live in, in my opinion the USA is so forward thinking in alot of ways and so backwards in others.

So for Christmas Day she buys her son a BB gun probably in length the same as his height, a gun that although isn't designed to kill can if used incorrectly and can harm. Her boy is two months younger than B, so approaching 4. I have to be honest I can't help but think I turn my back I'm a bad mother, you buy your son a gun and that's acceptable?