Being without

I just keep hoping, just keep on telling myself it isn't always going to be like this.

I'm going to miss B with an ache unless you have lost a child you will never understand. It's a loss I could always imagine but never understood, till I was there in that room. 'Darling your baby girl has died, she is dead' those words that feeling you won't ever imagine unless you have lost your child. I'm going to miss B forever, it's something I know. I also know that the times when it feels so raw, so emotional are getting further apart. The days where I can talk about her without dissolving into a million tears are becoming more frequent, so it isn't crazy I don't think to have some hope that things won't always feel like this. In a way I have proof already. This time last year things felt 1 million times worse than this.

I haven't written here for a long time, I guess the reason why is that I became afraid. I took a job I stuck on my normal face I stuck myself smack bang in the middle of life and I failed epically at it. I floundered and in some almost ironic way I drowned in the terror of it all. I left in February and the first few weeks took a massive toll on me, I felt like failure. I felt like I shouldn't even be here, I felt as if I had let so many people down. The feeling of being once again completely out of my emotional depth lead me to just want to hide. I'm not sure when the turning point occurred but The whole thing made me realise a lot about myself.

1. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger either, it changes you.

2. Sometimes coping is about finding your limits and sticking to them.

3. Strength is sometimes knowing your limits and telling others to stick it if they don't like them.

4 the world keeps turning, but it's ok you don't always have to dance on it

5 It's ok to be afraid.