Nearly there

Slowly minute by minute hour by hour the day gets closer the date 5 years ago when I was lying in a hospital bed waiting for J and at to visit after spending weeks in there with high BP but a baby that wouldn't grow.  I was on a CTG machine waiting for her to kick but there was something wrong and instead of a nice steady strong heartbeat it started to decel and they decided to induce that night.  I met T and J as I was being wheeled into delivery, 2 hours later and my gorgeous baby girl was lying in my arms.  Everything I needed for my world to be complete.  Now 5 years on my life will never be that complete she will always be missing

It's been a long time

It's been a while since I posted ..   A long while and in that while nothing has changed and everything has changed. 

I guess the biggest change is that we have moved home.  It started as a conversation back in May about the fact that my parents were moving and how upset I was at the thought of them being 4 hours away instead of over the road.  How I would miss them. Tom questioned why we didn't move as well and before I new it 3 short months later we are here living g in Norfolk away from the familiar and the faces, away from the glances and the whispers and the rumours a new start.

A start without B.  we are here, are memories are there the constant reminders of where she jumped in puddles where she drew on the wall where she laughed and cried and played, and where she rests. In some ways it's easier to be here in others I long to be there.

As we pass into this new yeary gorgeous girl should be celebrating her 5th birthday on Tuesday,  my sweet sweet girl how can this be?

B

My gorgeous girl, just how, that's my only question just how can you not be here. How can I not touch you, how can I not here your giggle your cheeky 'how are you' how come your not here eating my chocolate buttons behind my back.  Why aren't your fingers in my cake mix.  Why can I only see your beautiful smile when I close my eyes?  Why aren't you jumping in puddles in the rain? Why all this pain? My darling girl if I could do that day again, I love you

Looking for the similar

OnApril 22 Rhys at 10 months took his first few tentative steps unadded, we eventually got it on film and just love watching it, the little wobble the big smile the masses of excited dribble.this morning on my Facebook page I found a similar video of B taking her first few steps, it seemed almost funny to me that she too took her first steps in April.

When I was pregnant with Rhys I knew one thing amongst all the uncertainty, he had to be his own person he was in no way a replacement. Yet they are so similar, the toothy grin he gives me, the way he spits fruit out but adores even the smallest amput of cake. His facial expressions his stubbornness his laugh his sense of humour, he is such his own person but yet so similar. Some times those similarities sooth me sometimes they cut my heart like a knife

Being without

I just keep hoping, just keep on telling myself it isn't always going to be like this.

I'm going to miss B with an ache unless you have lost a child you will never understand. It's a loss I could always imagine but never understood, till I was there in that room. 'Darling your baby girl has died, she is dead' those words that feeling you won't ever imagine unless you have lost your child. I'm going to miss B forever, it's something I know. I also know that the times when it feels so raw, so emotional are getting further apart. The days where I can talk about her without dissolving into a million tears are becoming more frequent, so it isn't crazy I don't think to have some hope that things won't always feel like this. In a way I have proof already. This time last year things felt 1 million times worse than this.

I haven't written here for a long time, I guess the reason why is that I became afraid. I took a job I stuck on my normal face I stuck myself smack bang in the middle of life and I failed epically at it. I floundered and in some almost ironic way I drowned in the terror of it all. I left in February and the first few weeks took a massive toll on me, I felt like failure. I felt like I shouldn't even be here, I felt as if I had let so many people down. The feeling of being once again completely out of my emotional depth lead me to just want to hide. I'm not sure when the turning point occurred but The whole thing made me realise a lot about myself.

1. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger either, it changes you.

2. Sometimes coping is about finding your limits and sticking to them.

3. Strength is sometimes knowing your limits and telling others to stick it if they don't like them.

4 the world keeps turning, but it's ok you don't always have to dance on it

5 It's ok to be afraid.

It's been a long time

I go through these phases of being compelled to write down every last feeling to just wanting to take a step back from it all. Read others posts and kind of pretend this hasn't happened.

In my world not alot has happened since I was last here. Leaving work has perhaps been the biggest. I knew pretty much as soon as I started that it was too much too soon. So at my 8 week review I said I wanted to leave but agreed to stay on until they had found a replacement. In the end I could only stay a couple more weeks though. I was asked on thebthursday to make a phone call and the panic that rose from it led me to burst into tears, I then called in sick for a couple of days, but when I went to go back I ended up having a massive panic attack in the car on the way. The GP signed me off but I realised I just could go back again. Since I've left the stress has definately reduced, sometimes I just forget how difficult the simple things can be sometimes like getting up.

It's Mother's Day in the Uk today and I did come on here to say how I feel about it, but I just feel so sad that I can't find the words anymore. It's one of those days where the fact that B isn't here is obvious and heartbreaking for me to the point I want to just pretend its Mother's Day but I have to force myself to remember and appreciate I have a mum and so do Jess and Rhys. I have to put my smile on for them and cope through it. I hope if your in the uk you have a peaceful Mother's day

Looking for the missing

I feel sometimes like I'm forever searching for B like she's just missing and any day now I'm going to find her. Sometimes I think I hear her laughing and I ache for her, sometimes I think I see her as a little girl with blond hair bounds off into the distance, lost into the crowd. Sometimes I feel like ill get not rest from the searching. I feel incomplete without her